The Way It Felt to Be Falling

The Way It Felt to Be Falling Summary | Detailed Summary

In The Way It Felt to Be Falling the narrator, Kate, recalls the summer she turned 19. During that summer, a recession had caused businesses to close and move South. Kate's father shut down in his own way after his consulting firm closed; he stopped speaking and ended up in the hospital, where he remained all summer.

Kate's mother is a secretary who decorates cakes on the side. The most difficult part of her job is decorating wedding cakes, especially in the summer heat. Although she is normally a calm, level-headed person, one day that summer, when a cake she is working on collapses, Kate's mother cries.

Kate watches her mother through the kitchen door. She hasn't seen her mother cry since the day her father was put in the hospital. After a few minutes pass, Kate's mother collects herself and finishes the cake. She takes out the section that collapsed. The cake is smaller now but still nice. They carry the box with the cake in it to the car. As Kate's mother begins to drive away, she asks Kate to clean up and do the dishes before she goes to work. She also warns her daughter not to spend all night with her dubious friends, referring to Stephen, Kate's only friend that summer.

Stephen has curly red hair and a long beard. He doesn't work, spends most days at a bar and shoplifts. Kate's mother thinks he is a bad influence. Everyone else in town thinks he is crazy. Stephen is the older brother of Kate's best friend Emmy. Emmy and her boyfriend left town that summer to follow the Grateful Dead tour. She invited Kate to go, but Kate is working at a convenience store for the summer to save money for school; and aside from that, Kate doesn't want to leave her mother alone.

Emmy sends Kate postcards from the places she visits. Kate is jealous; she feels trapped in her small town. She watches the planes in the sky overhead, flying to places she will never see. Sometime she sees skydivers, small specks plummeting to the ground. They grow larger just before they disappear behind the tree line.

After Kate's mother leaves, Kate goes back into the house and does the dishes. She feels a silence all around her. She doesn't like to stay in the house alone that summer. When she is alone, she begins to panic. Looking at herself in the mirror, the silence creeps over her and she can no longer recognize her own face.

The doctors say that her father is suffering from a stress-related condition and should be better soon. The day that her father stopped speaking, Kate remembers that his eyes were blank. When the ambulance came to get him, he didn't protest. Into madness "he slid away with ease." The narrator calls her father's condition a "descent" and says that, that summer, she was afraid of falling.

Kate's friend Stephen is not comfortable at Kate's house; he lives at the edge of town. So they meet every day at Mickey's Tavern, a place where local artists and other people who live on the fringes hang out. Kate stops in after work, but Stephen often spends all afternoon and evening at Mickey's, betting on pool games. The other regulars are odd or crazy; some are even dangerous. Stephen is considered crazy and dangerous because he had smashed a window at his ex-lover's house once and he had tried to kill himself twice.

Stephen kept his distance from people. Kate didn't like him before Emmy left. He is 27 and living in a third floor apartment in his parents' house. He sleeps all morning and paces his room all night. He has dark scars on both wrists from when he tried to kill himself. He collects welfare and takes Valium every couple of hours.

Stephen could be mean or charming, depending on his mood. His danger was part of Kate's attraction to him. Emmy is the only one who is not afraid of him. Before she leaves for the summer, Stephen tells Emmy that Kate understands him. Emmy laughs at this.

After Kate's father ends up in the hospital, Stephen seems to know something about Kate. When Emmy leaves, he starts to call Kate every day until she finally gives in and agrees to hang out with him. She knows that Stephen understands the suspended world between madness and sanity; he lives in that world himself.

Kate tried Stephen's Valium once. She liked the calm it caused to sweep over her. Because of the Valium, Stephen claims that he never worries; but on the day that the cake collapsed, Kate can tell that he is worried when she sees him at the bar. Kate and Stephen order beers and start to play a game of pool. Kate watches him as he shoots. She finds him attractive; he has green eyes and a classic face. Stephen had been playing pool competitively for days against the other regulars. Each day the stakes are getting higher. The loser has to go skydiving.

When Kate hears this, she tells Stephen that she has always wanted to try skydiving. Ted Johnson, a local artist, watches Stephen play. Stephen gets nervous and misses his shot. Ted says he must be on a losing streak, revealing that Stephen has lost the competition and has to go skydiving. Stephen says it's no big deal; he's already called to make arrangements. He asks Kate to skydive with him when Ted insists that he must have a witness. Kate is afraid. She tells Stephen that she has never even flown before; but she's off work the next day, so she agrees to go with him. She tells Stephen that she will pick him up at eight. She leaves the bar to go to work.

When Kate gets home, her mother is in the kitchen. The house is dark and quiet. Her mother tells her she is late. Kate explains that she had to work late because someone went home sick. Her mother asks what she does when she's with Stephen. Kate says that they talk about books, music and art. Kate's mother warns her that Stephen and his friends are not stable. Then Kate asks her mother if she (Kate) is crazy too; her mother says no.

Kate's mother tells her that she visited the hospital and asks if Kate will go with her to see her father the next day. Kate says she has plans with Stephen. Her mother says that her father would like to see her. Kate knows that her father could not have said this and responds angrily. Then she apologizes and says that she will see him next week. Kate goes to her room. Her mother calls after her, saying that sometimes Kate has no common sense.

The next day Kate secretly hopes for rain, but it is a clear day. Ted gives Kate a camera to document the event. Kate uses half the film taking pictures of the countryside and of Stephen wearing flowers in his beard.

The hangar at the skydiving site is a small concrete building on acres of cornfields. There are piles of stretchers lined up outside, which Kate finds less than reassuring. Two women arrive along with the instructor, a tall, grey-haired man named Howard. They all line up to practice. Howard shimmers in his white clothes. When he decides the group is ready, he takes them inside to practice emergency maneuvers. They practice jumping from rigging that is suspended from the ceiling. The two women have jumped before, but their training has expired. Howard gives the group a break for lunch.

Stephen tells Kate that he's never flown either. He is also afraid. Kate says that they don't have to do it but Stephen feels that he must, to protect his reputation. Kate says he will be fine because he wasn't nervous during the practice. Stephen says that feeling nervous doesn't mean anything. He says that free-falling is his natural state of mind, as he taps on the bottle of Valium in his pocket. He offers Kate one but she declines. He opens the bottle and discovers there is only one pill left. He takes the pill and discards the bottle in frustration.

Kate is hesitant to go through with the jump but figures that, since she has already come this far, she might as well jump. She is supposed to jump first. She stands nearest to the plane's opening when they are in the air. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. The jumpmaster motions Kate to the doorway. She gets into position. She feels Stephen touch her arm. The jumpmaster tells her to go but Kate doesn't move. The ground looks like an aerial map. The wind tugs at Kate's feet. The jumpmaster shouts again and Kate jumps.

Instantly Kate forgets all of the commands. She knows she is falling but it seems like the earth stays the same distance away. She keeps her eyes wide open; she is too terrified to scream. Kate feels the tug of the parachute. In the distance she hears the plane bank again. Then the silence around her grows and becomes complete.

All summer Kate has felt like she was slipping into the rush of the world, but now nothing seems to move. Kate sees someone on the ground trying to tell her something, but the figure is too small. Finally Kate senses that she is falling fast. She fixes her gaze on the row of trees ahead of her. Her left foot hits the ground and turns over and then later her right foot hits the ground. She rolls slowly onto the ground. She hears Stephen calling her name in the distance; he asks if she is okay. She wonders how he got to the ground first. He tells her it is because he landed on target and she landed in a cornfield.

They go back to the office. Stephen waits in the car while Kate gets her things. Howard comes out of the office and Kate asks him how she did. He says she did well for her first time and gives her a certificate. He says he is surprised that Stephen didn't jump because he was the best during practice.

When Kate gets back to the car, her ankle begins to swell and turn green. They go to the hospital. Nothing is broken; it is just a sprain. The doctor lectures Kate on her foolishness as Kate walks out on crutches.

On the way home, Stephen says that jumping is the greatest high. Kate tells him that she knows he didn't jump. He says he wanted to, but when he saw Kate falling so fast, he couldn't do it. Kate explains that it doesn't feel like falling. There is no sense of descent. She says it feels more like floating.

Stephen asks her not to tell anyone that he didn't jump but she says she won't lie about it. The adrenaline from the jump is wearing off and Kate is tired. She closes her eyes but she can feel the car veer off the main road and turn onto a country road. She opens her eyes and asks Stephen what he is doing. His green eyes are wild and glittering. Kate is frightened. He grabs the camera and destroys the film and then he slams on the brakes of the car and pulls over. He smiles at her sadistically. He says he could do anything he wanted to her and traces her throat. Kate wants to go home. He says he will take her home if she promises not to tell anyone that he didn't jump. She promises not to tell. Stephen stays quiet; it reminds Kate of her father's silence and this makes her angry. Finally, Stephen starts the car.

When they arrive at Kate's house, Stephen touches her shoulder lightly. His voice is soft and calm. He apologizes for his temper and tells her she shouldn't provoke him. He asks if she will come over to his place. She tells him to go to hell and threatens that if he ever bothers her again, she will tell the whole town that he didn't jump. He asks her if she thinks he is crazy. She says she doesn't think he is crazy; she thinks he is scared like everyone else.

Kate quietly opens the door to her house. Her mother wakes up from sleeping on the couch. Kate was going to lie and tell her mother that she fell down a hill, but she realizes that it is easier to tell the truth. She does, however, leave out the part about Stephen. Her mother is angry after she hears the story about skydiving. She asks Kate how she expects to work like this and get paid. Kate says that money is the least of her problems. She says that, compared to the other problems in her life, money is a piece of cake.

Kate's mother picks up a slab of the cake that had collapsed. As she grabs it she says, "Piece of cake?" They both laugh. Kate's mother shakes her and says that she could have been killed. Kate says she's sorry.

Then her mother says that, with everything that's happening with Kate's father, she doesn't know what to do anymore. Kate reassures her mother that she is doing fine; she marvels at the hours her mother spends making wedding cakes, how she creates cakes that are as fragile as the dreams that demand them.

Kate's father remains still and silent in his white hospital room and Kate is angry about it. She is angry about what he is doing to her mother and her. Kate wants to say this to her mother. She also wants to tell her about the panic that came over her before and about the growing calm she feels inside now.

Whatever brought on her father's silence and Stephen's violence would not happen to Kate. Aside from her bandaged ankle, she is whole and strong. Kate's mother asks her if she is okay and she replies that she is fine.

Kate goes to her room. She looks out the window at the bright stars in the clear sky. Looking out into the darkness, she remembers the way it felt to be falling.